CAUTION: Emotional Post Ahead

I've been all up in my feels lately as Cade would say. We were raised with a great work ethic by my parents and my brothers and I go to work every day, don't call out unless it's absolutely necessary and we give 110% when we're there. No one can call us unreliable when it comes to work; we work overtime and do what's necessary to get the job done. When I started treatment the first of the year, I knew I wanted to work as long as I could. The first week, we figured I would be out for a few days and planned on that so it was fine when I missed three days. Fast forward to the end of April and I've called out two days this month and left early this past Thursday because I just couldn't make it past 1pm. Enter shame and humiliation. I HATE calling out and letting down my boss and co-workers and while I know that I have a good reason, I'm having a super hard time reconciling this in my mind. I feel so damn guilty when I'm not doing my part. I'm alright being gone on treatment day because that's planned every week and I can delegate things, but calling out unexpectedly is just not my jam. Now that I'm on weekly treatments, I think the weekend is my recovery for Monday so I'm all gung ho going in and then by Tuesday when I get home, I'm headed for bed at 5pm. Until the next day! That's right, 12 hours of sleep. 💤 Then, I'm back on Wednesday and mostly good until the evening only to go in on Thursday and be super tired and ready to just rest again. Then it's Friday and we start it all back over again.

I feel like if I take short-term disability, then cancer wins. It's altering yet another thing in my life and maybe the last thing that I have any control over. I found the image above on Pinterest a month ago and it's pretty accurate. (BTW: Who would REALLY know the importance of eyelashes and nose hair?! 🤯) In the last week, I have now experienced all of these. My body is betraying me in every way and now my exhaustion is so much that I can't work like I want to. My mind is fuzzy and it's hard to get motivated when I'm so tired all the time. Everything else has been slowly slipping out of my control for months which everyone knows that I'm SUPER comfortable with. Work was really the last thing in my circle of control and now I'm supposed to willing give that up, too? Doesn't seem fair.

At this point, I know that I should not be worried about work and I should focus on my treatments and evicting Wilma. I'm trying to come to terms with how much things will change when I don't have work to focus on every day. But I worry. If I don't have to wake up for work each morning, will I find motivation to get up and around and do things when I'm fuzzy? Or will I just succumb to this and turn into a vegetable that can't get anything done until this is over? You all know that will drive me crazy! 🤪 And the exhaustion apparently doesn't just go away after treatment is done so when will I be me again? I don't have an answer for that and the unknown is always the worst part. I think if I just jump in and do it, then I'll have an answer that works for me and the rest will take care of itself. So I guess that should be my plan.

TODAY'S SILVER LINING: I have so many craft projects that I've saved to my Pinterest boards and haven't had the time to do that I'm pretty sure I can keep myself busy on my good days. On my bad days, I'm stocked on HGTV renovation shows to watch and nap to. Maybe I'm actually more prepared for this than I think? 🤷